Who dazzled the ballroom on Dancing with the Stars’ opening night?

Tara: Sean Lowe, The Bachelor — Holy Mother of Pearl. So corny! His biggest worry is embarrassing his wife during their first wedding dance. Yep. Sorry. That’s gonna happen. But Carrie Ann says his exuberance will take him far in this competition. And she was a Fly Girl and I wasn’t so what do I know?
Chuck: You really think there’s going to be a first wedding dance? C’mon, it’s The Bachelor! Well, Sean wasn’t bad, but he was no Melissa Rycroft. Exuberance could carry him, but once people start forgetting exactly who he is, it’ll be hard to stay based on viewer votes. Bruno, of course, had to comment on Sean’s lifestyle choice: “For a dance virgin, you have a very effective pelvic thrust.”
Tara: I love Bruno. He’s so … out there!
Chuck: And you know Bruno makes Sean extremely uncomfortable! Watching him fidget as Bruno makes eyes at him will be fun for a while.

Tara: Alexandra Raisman — Being a gymnast requires a ton of power and stamina. I think that will help Aly and Mark. She’s got to work on her fluidity though. And man! That was a terrible costume.
Chuck: I couldn’t tell you a thing about this dance, or the costume, because I was so mesmerized by the flashing lights behind them. To me, it seemed like they stood in one place for the whole dance. Did that happen? I don’t know if she’s a contender or not.
Tara: I can’t tell you much beyond she’s abrupt and stutterish in her movements. All that fringe was blinding me.

Tara: I had no idea Dorothy Hamill had breast cancer! She looks fabulous now. Very ballsy move to start with a solo. She’s really graceful still, don’t you think, Chuck? She had a couple of flubs, but I liked it.
Chuck: I didn’t know about her cancer either. I did see her skate in the Ice Capades when I was a kid. I thought she did a lovely job this week, graceful like you said, and her skating background is going to help her get far in the competition.

Tara: I didn’t know Wynonna Judd’s husband lost his leg! Where have I been that I’ve missed this stuff? That makes me feel sorry for her so I can’t comment on how just painful it was to watch her dance. I can’t say that … oh forget it. Next please!
Chuck: Wynonna has the potential to be this season’s Kirstie Alley. She just needs to pick up the pace … and her feet. The dance did have potential, but she played it too safe. It was nice to see her husband, Ashley and their mom in the audience, and I liked the faces she made at Bruno.
Tara: Chuck … I’m sensing you hate Bruno.
Chuck: I love Bruno. It was just fun to watch her make faces at him … when she wasn’t totally perplexed.

Tara: Andy Dick, poor dear, already had a teary meltdown and it’s simply week one! You know? He could have been a lot worse. Bruno was right, “skittish charm.” And Brooke asking him about his addiction possibly coming back because of the pressure involved in this show was just ridiculous. She gives my bottom a rash. Truly.
Chuck: I’m glad Andy has his act together, and I thought his dance was fun. And they had a prop and no one dropped it. Extra points for that in my book! I admit, I did have that same question in my mind, but only Brooke would have the vapidity to actually ask him. If he goes on a bender tonight, all fingers point to her!
Tara: Okay, I laughed at that. See? We’re both mean!
Chuck: That’s why we get along so well.

Tara: Jacoby I don’t have much to say about. Really. I got nothin’. Except he moved pretty easily for a person who just had recent surgery. That’s about as nice as I can get. Oh! But he wasn’t as bad as D.L. So … there’s that.
Chuck: Okay, I have to support Team Purple since he helped win the Super Bowl for my hometown Ravens! And for a week of rehearsal, it wasn’t bad. How much time did D.L. have to rehearse? Of course, now he only has a week to learn the next dance, so he’s always going to be behind the curve, but I’m hoping he can pull it all together for Baltimore! I usually never root for the football player, but I’m kind of obligated this time out.

So what did you all think? Who was best and worst, and who will take home the mirrorball trophy? Give us your two cents in the comments below.