Who dazzled the ballroom on Dancing with the Stars’ opening night?

The, ahem, stars are back in the beautiful ABC ballroom for a sixteenth season of Dancing with the Stars, so for its season premiere my good pal Tara and I sat down and asked each other “who could win?” and “just exactly who are these people?” Our original plan was to pick a couple of people we thought could be our favorites, but when we both came up with the same two stars … because they were basically the only ones we knew … we decided to just go ahead and critique everyone’s performances and pick a contender or two after seeing them dance.

So after careful consideration and wearing out the DVR rewind button, we gathered our thoughts and had our post-show conversation. It went a little something like this …

Chuck: So, Tara, what did you think of this season’s crop of stars and their dancing abilities … or lack thereof?
Tara: Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough –Derek says she has potential for greatness. He oughta know. I watched her on American Idol the season she competed in, and she came out with some pretty funny lines. For the first week, I thought she was impressive. Although I like her with long hair better. The judges were rather tough with giving her all sevens, but at the beginning they usually give lower scores.
Chuck: I agree with you … about her hair. But her goofiness during rehearsals and pretty decent performance have won me over. I thought she was terrific, especially being first up and her experience being on another competition reality show should give her a bit of an advantage.
Tara: Good point about competition show experience!

Chuck: Victor Ortiz — Did not dance like a butterfly … scratch that, he danced like a huge butterfly the way he flapped those arms around. Much better and more controlled in hold though. I’m surprised the lift police, aka Carrie Ann, didn’t call them out for Lindsay’s foot coming off the floor. I did like Bruno’s comment referring to his big arm gestures: “It’s not Gorillas in the Mist.”
Tara: I’m mean ’cause I thought Bruno’s comment was really funny. I know. I’m mean.

Chuck: Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson got stuck with the first Contemporary dance of the evening. I was surprised they’d give them a dance with all those lifts on the first night, but he did a good job. Unfortunately, this is supposed to be a ballroom dancing competition, not So You Think You Can Dance! What are they going to do next week … Crunk?
Tara: Victor the Boxer and Ingo the Soap guy were just okay for me. I’m trying to come up with witty banter, but there ain’t much to say. They both will likely be tossed off in the middle somewhere.

Chuck: Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb Savchenko … are two of the hardest names to punch out here on the keyboard. Does she have a butt implant, because it looked weird and Lisa in a leotard is one of those things you just can’t un-see. Len thought there was too much staggering, so maybe she’d had a few cocktails. She’s definitely not a cougar though, because her chemistry with Gleb is non-existent. They’re pretty uncomfortable to watch.
Tara: Lisa from the Real Housewives and her dog just annoy me. People shouldn’t dress up their dogs as humans. It’s humiliating. That dog appears to have more outfits than I do, for Pete’s Sake.

Chuck: D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke — who did Cheryl piss off to get stuck with him? I’m having flashbacks to Master P. If he’s not the first to go, I will be shocked. And he calls himself Boogie Fantastic?!
Tara: He seems like a jovial sort, but I’ve watched this show long enough to know that Cheryl is completely pissed she got stuck with him. A bad partner equals an early sendoff and a lesser paycheck. I expect them to be gone first and watch her try to turn her sneer into a smile and take it gracefully. Now that I’ve called it to your attention? You’ll see how hard it will be for her to hide her disgust.
Chuck: I think that picture above is an accurate representation of D.L. killing Cheryl’s chances of winning another trophy.

Tara: Little Miss Disney Chick? Considering she’s a singer and hip hop dancer, I suspected she’d be good. Didn’t you? And is it even fair to allow someone that young who is already experienced in dance in the same competition as D.L.? She’s a contendah. For sure.
Chuck: This could get real awkward with her age. Did you see Val immediately pull back when she said she was 16? And who at 16 has the right to go only by their first name? I think Cher and Madonna would have a thing or two to say about that. But the dance suited her age, definitely. It will be interesting to see how she does with some of the more “mature” dances (which could be icky and illegal in some states).