The Celebrity Apprentice – Cupcakes and Cursing

I told you it was coming back. I prepared you, enthralled you … I even whetted your appetite for a taste of Don Don (Don Jr.). But you didn’t watch. I know you didn’t. How do I know, you ask? Because not a single one of you is looking me in the eye right now. That’s right; feel the shame.

Of course, not the same kind of shame that I feel for having actually watched The Celebrity Apprentice. This show goes beyond guilty pleasure. But the bottom line is that I enjoy it. And so would you. Forget for a moment that the show was originally searching for an “apprentice” to Donald Trump (i.e. a showpiece and marketing tool). These days, it’s all about how far D-list “celebrities” can shill their fame for charity. That’s right; turn your nose up at this show, and you in essence hate charity. How dare you?!?

Too far? Okay, let’s back it up. The Apprentice has always been about personality clashes. The beauty in the remake is how Trump has doubled down on the likelihood of weekly explosions. Whether or not I know who any of the “celebrities” are, I accept that they feel as if they’ve achieved domination in their own little world. Pitting sixteen alphas against one another, when none of them are any more than a delta, is hilarious.

Last night, the women’s victory threw me. Not in a sexist way, but rather from an evaluation of each team as a whole. Both this season and last, the men have been larger stars as defined by their reach. Between Dennis Rodman, Hershel Walker, Brian McKnight, Scott Hamilton and Tom Green, I expected athletes, actors and singers to come pouring out of the woodwork. A poker champ, Playboy playmate, Deal or no Deal model, reality “star” and two Rivers (the women) don’t really have that kind of pull. I mean, Tom Green brought in $15,000 from two donors. I would have lost money on that bet.

Yet, there were the women, victorious. Clearly, they have a tougher road ahead in terms of cohesiveness: Annie Duke (poker champ) was right to hijack management of the team, and yet she was nominated as the weakest link in the boardroom. Claudia Jordan (Deal or no Deal) and Khloe Kardashian (reality “star”) have no rolodexes to speak of, and Natalie Gulbis (golfer) and Tionne Watkins (TLC) better have more to offer than last night’s nothing. Yet even with nothing of their own to bring to the table, most of them couldn’t spew enough negativity about everyone else.

The men did battle too, but male tendency is usually to say less, which will result in a lot of quiet hostility (see Stephen Baldwin and his whiny talking heads last year). Andrew Dice Clay, fired first last night, was worthless (Entertainer? On what planet?), Clint Black is going to be another famous country singer with poor friends (ala Trace Adkins from season one), Jesse James (no idea) seems not to have any connections, and Scott Hamilton, while famous, isn’t from a sporting world known to roll around in money (figure skating). But Tom Green has a long enough resume to have worked with a  lot of real stars (if any of them can stand him), Hershel Walker was in the NFL, and Brian McKnight is very much alive and well in the music industry.

And then there’s Dennis. Arguably the most controversial player to ever pick up a basketball, Rodman has played with some of the biggest names in NBA history: Michael Jordan, Isiah Thomas, Joe Dumars, David Robinson, Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash. He’s also been romantically linked to Madonna and Carmen Electra. Assuming any of them will return his calls (and that’s also assuming he’ll make them in the first place), it should be no contest in this contest. But, based on last night’s performance, Dennis does what’s best for Dennis: he relaxes. My hope is that he’s this year’s Lennox Lewis, carried through by Trump for most of the season due to his money-raising potential, before exploding into his own as a very thoughtful and savvy operator. Okay, maybe not.

All in all, The Celebrity Apprentice is just a little bit of fun when you need a laugh. Oh, and a few more notable things from last night’s episode:

• Donald Trump was bleeped for what I think was the first time ever.
• Andrew Dice Clay called Trump “Donny” over and over again, and you could see Donald’s blood boiling beneath the surface.
• The episode ended in a familiar way. The fired contestant leaves the boardroom, and Donald Trump tells his kids how tough the decision was. In their usual manner, his children (Ivanka and Don Don) agree, and comment on how daddy ultimately made the right choice. Last night, it was because Dice Clay almost quit, a big no no for Trump. When Ivanka pointed this out, in her usual “don’t forget me in your will” manner, Trump snapped at her and said that Dice Clay was a winner. Ouch!
• Don Don is growing out his hair!
• Clearly, the season was taped well before the heart of the economic collapse. No mention was made about how it might be more difficult this year to sell cupcakes for $20 a piece. That makes this all very dated.
• While there must be a winner and a loser in each and every contest, Trump still has an inability to understand that sometimes you lose just because the other team was better, not because you sucked. And, while the women raised $12,000 more than the men last night, the men still brought in almost $50,000 for charity by selling what were apparently inedible cupcakes. Calling that a loss is just stupid.

The season two premiere of The Celebrity Apprentice did not disappoint. Really, seeing the drama that plays out between sixteen people who think they’re gods, and are, in reality, no one you would stop for or recognize on the street, is just so funny that you need to give it a try. Catch last night’s episode online at NBC.com and judge it for yourself. You can even watch it while you’re doing something else. Believe me, you’ll be laughing before it’s over.

Clacked by Aryeh S.
on Mar 02, 2009 @ 14:53 EST5EDT