Eight great TV villains

Who doesn’t love a good villain? Anyone? I thought as much. Classic big screen baddies like Darth Vader and Hannibal Lecter get all the pub, but there are just as many evildoers committing dastardly deeds on the small screen. J.R. Ewing, Simon Cowell, and the Cylons have all excelled at donning the black hat, but everyone knows about them.

I prefer to focus on a few antagonists who deserve more credit for being  lying, cheating, murdering scoundrels. These are a collection of my favorites and is not meant to be a comprehensive “Best Of” list. Enough of my blathering. Let’s get the show on the road.

Ben Linus (Lost) – “You have to understand, everything I did, I did for the island.”

Don’t let his nebbish looks fool you. Ben is a wicked son-of-a-bitch. He’s the ultimate Svengali who will do whatever it takes to advance his own agenda. Whether shooting you in the chest or stabbing you in the back, Ben can’t be trusted. Due to his duplicitous behavior he rarely goes a week without being punched in the face.

Professor Hinkle (Frosty the Snowman) – “Busy, busy, busy.”

What an asshole! A shitty magician who couldn’t figure out his magical hat, Hinkle locked the beloved Frosty in a greenhouse and watched him melt. Santa let this prick off easy. All he had to do was write “I am sorry for what I did to Frosty” 100,000,000 times. The guy murdered history’s most famous snowman! He should have been beaten with a candy cane 100,000,000 times.

Marlo Stanfield (The Wire) – “You want it to be one way… but it’s the other way.”

Stanfield wasn’t some dumbass gang-banger. He was a vicious, cold-blooded drug lord with brains. He ruled West Baltimore with an iron fist. He took his business from the corner to the boardroom, but profit wasn’t Marlo’s main motivation. Power was his drug of choice. He was one of the best written bad guys I’ve ever seen.

Newman (Seinfeld) – “When you control the mail, you control information!”

He was Jerry’s kryptonite. A fat man with a diabolical laugh. According to Jerry, he was “pure evil.” He banged Kramer’s mom, never delivered the mail when it rained, and was a notorious scofflaw. In addition, he participated in many a scheme with Kramer, including renting out a rickshaw and transporting a mail truck of bottles to Michigan.

Phil Leotardo (The Sopranos) - “Take your fuckin’ sorrys and stick ‘em in your ass.”

Some people actually thought Tony Soprano was a villain. Really? Maybe in real life, but not in TV land. Tony was a saint compared to Phil. Leotardo was an old-school mafioso with a quick wit and even quicker temper. Phil’s solution to most problems was simple: whack ‘em. He suffered a memorable death in the series finale. After being shot in the head, his skull was crushed by an SUV tire.

El Seed (The Tick animated series) - “Soldiers of corn, lend me your ears.”

El Seed may be a bit obscure, but his nefarious plot to destroy all non-plant lifeforms shouldn’t be taken lightly. This  humanoid sunflower spoke with a Spanish accent, dressed like a bullfighter, and dabbled in chemistry. His goal was to free plants from the tyranny of man and take over the world. Chill out, bro. Have a drink of water.

Whoever burned Michael Westen (Burn Notice) - “You’ve been burned.”

Geesh. The fellas responsible for putting Mikey through the ringer for the last two years were some uncaring bastards. As if being trapped in the same city as your mother and ex-girlfriend wasn’t bad enough, they tried to kill him on more than a few occasions. Such is the life of a spy. I doubt it will get any easier for Mr. Westen.

Jeff Probst (Survivor) – “The tribe has spoken.”

You may have millions fooled, Probst, but not me. I’m keenly aware that you get a sick satisfaction watching guys and gals suffer through physical and mental trials, while you stand by shouting insults and words of discouragement. You are a vile little man, Jeff Probst. I’ll bring you down, if it’s the last thing I do.

So, who is your favorite villain?

Clacked by Scott Tunstall
on Apr 18, 2009 @ 15:00 EST5EDT