Dear Survivor producers:
Thank you, thank you, thank you for casting Coach on the latest installment of your never-ending reality series. If it wasn’t for his melodramatic, self-involved, pain-in-the-ass antics, this season would have been incredibly dull. All the eye candy (Carolina, Sydney) and big breasts (Candace) got booted early, along with the annoying old broad (Sandy).
Sure, Sierra hung around longer than expected, which was nice, but her striped shirt/skirt made her look like the “Get Out of Jail Free Card” guy from Monopoly. Tyson played the cocky alpha-male prick role superbly and Debbie had that MILF thing going for her, but both were too smart (or dumb) for their own good.
That left Coach: aka Benjamin, The Zen Master, The Dragonslayer, The Ultimate Warrior and King of all Douchebags. As much as it hurts to admit — Coach saved Survivor for me. I was ready to give up on the show. The last couple seasons have been less than stellar, so I was apprehensive when I settled in for the first episode. Then the man in black opened his mouth. I remember uttering to myself, “This clown is reality TV gold.”
Well, I was right. Once he started regaling his fellow competitors with tales of yore, I knew we were in for something special. His account of being kidnapped and molested by Amazonian pygmies was topped only by the whopper about his freeing his estranged wife from the grip of money-hungry terrorists while trapped in a downtown Los Angeles high-rise.
No, wait. Allow me to retort. Coach’s best anecdote had to be the one about his perilous journey upriver to assassinate a lunatic Army Colonel, or maybe it was his daring rescue of passengers aboard a runaway bus armed with a bomb. Man, there are just too many to choose from. The guy has lived a life only those addicted to hallucinatory drugs can claim.
After coming to terms with his exit on Thursday’s edition, I can proudly say I will miss Coach’s preening and posturing. I sure hope his ailing back and asthma have improved since leaving the harsh Brazilian Highlands. Could you provide me a mailing address? I would very much like to send him a care package. I have some framed quotes from Sun Tzu and Confucius I think he might enjoy, and a pocket-sized Buddha he can take with him on his next life-threatening adventure.
Please consider arrogant asses like Coach when deliberating future casts. Nice guys and soccer moms are fine, but we need more people like Coach to spread their hackney inspiration to all corners of the world. So, thank you again Survivor producers for doing the right thing by your loyal viewers. I was teetering on the precipice, but you and a fool named Coach pulled me back.
Gratefully,
A still dedicated fan
PS – Hands down, the number one Coach chronicle was his mission to secure an ancient religious artifact before it fell into the hands of the Nazis. Truly memorable!!
Clacked by Scott Tunstall 
on May 16, 2009 @ 18:00 EST5EDT
Hallucinatory drugs would explain a lot…..
Allrighty this article is better than anything Coach has said on the show. I love the sarcasm. But I think you forgot the one where he and his shaolin monk friends won that soccer game…
Coach is what would’ve happened to us if the weird singing lady in “Fans vs. Favorites” actually would’ve made it onto the beach instead of getting the insta-boot.
Good call on the singing lady. She was a friggin’ freakshow!