A chapter from Rescue Me-pedia

by Scott Tunstall

It never ceases to amaze me the creative vernacular conjured by the Rescue Me scribes on a weekly basis. After four plus seasons there would be enough to fill a full volume. If I was more industrious I would have kept track of all these quips and analogies since the series’ first episode. I’m sure some uber-fan has a website dedicated to this very thing. I’d do a Google search to see if my suspicions are valid, but honestly, I don’t give enough of a shit. Jotting down a few winners from last night’s installment is as far as I’m willing to go. Grab your laughing hats kids. It’s time to crack open the Rescue Me-pedia.

“Cancer Boy Smokes Bravest” – The New York Post headline describing last week’s shenanigans. I’d say that sums it up perfectly.

B.D.A.J. – The “Brotherhood of Dysfunctional Action Junkies.” Franco’s apt acronym for 62 Truck.

Walk with Fido – A probie hazing ritual that involves the placing of fresh dog doo-doo inside the boots of the young lad right before a call. Jocularity ensues.

The San Quentin – More rookie hazing. This beauty entails switching the bath mat outside a shower with an electric blanket. Talk about shock and awe.

Toledo Wake-up Call – Its meaning is unknown. Use your imagination.

Bald and Beautiful – The refilling of a shampoo bottle with Nair. Apparently, it’s murder on pubes. That’s what I call hair raising.

The Spic ‘n Span – After decorating the kitchen with all matter of food stuffs, it is the probie’s responsibility to clean up the mess.

Universal hose coupler – A phantom piece of firefighting equipment that is rumored to be located somewhere in the basement of the firehouse. Legend has it no one has actually laid eyes on it before.

Apache Stone – The name of Mike’s band. Because he’s 2% Apache.

Comanche Ball Sack – An alternate moniker for Mike’s band. Courtesy of Franco.

Cherokee Testicle – Yet another suggested band handle. Courtesy of Bart.

Nasty Lezbo Ass – A fallback plan, should loose groupies be in short supply.

A Sky full of naked Jessica Alba – The epiphanous vision that changes Garrity’s outlook on life.

Package bump – The accidental union of genitalia while hugging it out with another man. Garrity’s bro Terrance is not a fan. Nor am I.

Tetons – Synonym for breasts. Courtesy of Lou. Also a mountain range in Wyoming.

Crispy Clean – The not so flattering term used to characterize a fresh faced Damien on his first call.

Baskin-Robbins spooning – Jimmy’s orders to Tommy: “Spoon with Sheila like you work at Baskin-Robbins.”

This concludes today’s lesson in Rescue Me speak. Make sure to study your notes. There will be a pop quiz next week. Class dismissed. (By the way: Damien is a goner, right?)