The last nails are finally in the coffin that was the 2010-2011 Broadcast Season (And was there a worse year ever for new shows? Seriously?). As we turn our heads to the summer season, here were some of our favorite quotes from the past week.
House (Review)
“How many of those have you had today?” – Foreman, when House pops some Vicodin
“I don’t know, is ‘your mother’ a number?” – House
Glee (Review)
“Take her on one of those big, awful dates you see in those unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.” — Puck gives Finn some dating advice
Cougar Town (Review)
“I don’t believe in ghosts. Because if they were real, I’d like to think that I would be felt up all the time.” – Jules
Later … “I just got the chills. Or I got felt up by my first ghost.” – Jules
“No one who says ‘coolio’ is cool. That’s why Coolio‘s named Coolio.” – Laurie
The Middle (Review)
“I spend my whole life congratulating myself. I want other people to congratulate me.” – Sue to Ms. Jacobs, upon learning that she wouldn’t be getting the Perfect Attendance Award due to a single absence
“I hope you know, you’ve sent me to the dumbest school in the world.” – Axl
“Seemed like a good fit.” – Mike
“… I could just stay in my room, jam, and come up with an awesome song that’ll make the whole world happy.” – Axl on his community service
“The world’s been through enough.” – Mike
“You kids are lucky you don’t have dads.” – Axl to the Tots after he gets mad at Mike
“You kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.” – Mike
“Really?” – Axl
“ [Mike nods his head yes] You must have a really sucky life.” – Axl
“Yes I do.” – Mike
CBS Sunday Morning
“There is no purpose … there is no God … there is no love. Life is meaningless. The best you can do is find a good restaurant.” — David Edelstein about meaning in Woody Allen films
“I was born in Hell And every time I do well, it’s one step out of Hell.” — Mike Tyson
Happy Endings (Review)
“It’s kinda like the gun in my grandma’s purse … she hopes she doesn’t have to use it, but she’s kinda glad it’s there.” — Penny, speaking about Shershow being her “safety” guy to marry at age 40
“So … should I get a condom?” — Connor, after his first date with Alex
“What? No!” — Alex
“Sweet! I hate condoms too!” — Connor
“Wow, this is so nice. I always thought if Shershow ever got married it’d be in a women’s prison.” — Alex, commenting on the lodge
“I”m so happy that you guys were all able to make it on such short notice. I’m leaving next week to deliver solar ovens to Honduras …” — Melinda, Shershow’s fiance
“Wow, Shershow, you hit it outta the park. She’s both beautiful, and says ‘Honduras’ the fancy way.” — Max
“What? A wedding jinx? I’ve only ruined one wedding!” — Alex, reacting to Melinda’s fears
“Yeah, and Yoko only ruined one Beatles.” — Max
“He can totally pull off straight. In college, he minored in theater.” — Penny, trying to convince her friends that flamboyantly gay Derrick can play her fiance at Shershow’s wedding
“Yeah, but he majored in dudes.” — Max
“I forgot to tell you that Dave owns his own food truck.” — Alex, to the dumb girl, acting as Dave’s wing-woman
“OMG. You have a truck made out of food?!” — Dumb girl
Make It or Break It (Review)
“Who is that horrible woman?” — Payson’s dad, pointing at Sheila
“It’s Kelly Parker’s manamomster. Manager,-slash mother, -slash monster. She’s the worst stage parent I’ve ever seen in this sport.” — Payson’s mom
“One of the biggest mistakes women make is believing your love can change a man … but I seriously doubt you love him.” — Sasha, referring to Summer’s engagement to Steve
“I wonder if [Max is] here yet. Although, if he was, I’m sure that Lauren would be licking his face.” — Payson, to Kaylie at the Tanner’s party
Bob’s Burgers (Review)
“Now taking the mound to pitch, former major league sensation: Torpedo Jones!” — Announcer
“That can’t be the same Torpe … Kids! That’s the Torpedo Jones! I … I can’t believe he’s still playing! God he … he must be my age!” — Bob
“I speak for everyone here when I say I don’t know what a ‘Torpedo Jones’ is.” — Louise
“Let me tell you, nobody …” — Bob
“We don’t care!” — Gene, interrupting
“Gene … let me finish … nobody …” — Bob
“That’s what I was trying to prevent!” — Gene, continuing to interrupt
“Nobody pitched like Torpedo. I … I was there for his greatest moment: The Pitch. It was 15 years ago, but I remember it like it was 10. His pitch was The Split-Finger Squidooch. Torpedo clinched the pennant for us with that pitch.” — Bob
“If he’s so good, why have we never heard of this guy?” — Gene
“Well because he didn’t last long in The Bigs. You know … The Squidooch is just one of those pitches. When it was on, it was really on … but when it wasn’t … it’s like hitting candy out of a baby’s hand … with a bat.” — Bob
“Wait … you mean, it’s hard because a baby’s hands are so small?” — Tina
“No … it’s easy because …” — Bob
“How could you hit a baby?” — Lynda
“Nobody would hit a baby’s hand with a bat in real life …” — Bob
“I don’t understand: Was he fired from The Bigs because he hit a baby with a bat?” — Gene
“I’m not interested in talking to you …” — Bob
“I never realized baseball had so much butt touching …” –Tina
“That’s how they communicate, Tina. It’s like Braille, but with butts.” — Louise
“Read my butt!” – Gene, shoving his backside at Tina and Louise
“People come to baseball games for the same reason they come to the amusement park – to be entertained!” — Mr. Fischoeder
Clacked by Ivey West 
on May 29, 2011 @ 20:43 EST5EDT
