Gentlereaders, I feel like I need to apologize for something. I feel a little shameful about this, but: There are no CBS Sunday Morning quotes for you this week. I’m not sure if it is because last Sunday, CBS didn’t have a morning. Perhaps no one said anything funny. Or, it could even be because fellow Clacker Michael Noble is just a big slacker. If I were a betting man, my money would be on the latter.
Fringe (Review)
“[After finding out Batman on the other side was called Mantis] Seriously? Your superhero is an insect?” – Agent Lee
“Oh what, because nothing says badass like a flying rat?” – Fauxlivia
Community (Review)
“Winger’s critics suggest he merely improvised hot-button patriotic dogma in a Ferris Buellerian attempt to delay school work. Winger decries the accusation as ‘a slanderous betrayal akin to 9/11.’ Later, after the war, he would refer to the theory as ‘essentially accurate.'” — Documentary Narrator
“Are you allowed to grind your hips at that age like that … ?!?” — Christina commenting on RaeLynn’s performance
“I was actually waiting for Christina to start stuffin’ some ‘ones’ in some of those guys’ pants … there was male strippers on stage for God’s sake. What do you want me to say? There was male strippers on the stage on The Voice!” — Blake
30 Rock (Review)
“Don’t read that. I filled it out last night after mixing alcohol with prescription … exhaustion.” — Jenna, on her self-evaluation
“Oh my, it smells like Grandma’s house at Christmas. That’s when we found her dead on the toilet!” — Kenneth, smelling Tracy’s new cologne
“Liz, are you getting enough vitamin C? May I suggest messily eating an orange while I photograph it?” — Dr. Spaceman
“Since when do you care about any line other than the bottom line? Sorkin-esque repartee!” — Liz, to Jack
“Good God! It looks like a swastika made out of penises!” – Jack on Pete’s scalp birthmark
“If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked to reverse one of my procedures my bitch ex-wife would be a millionaire. May she rest in peace.” – Dr. Spaceman
“Kenneth, what do you know about revenge?” — Jenna
“Well, the Bible says it’s wrong, but it’s the surprise hit of the season on ABC, so I don’t know!” — Kenneth
“Kenneth, be honest. Am I the worst person you know?” — Jenna
“Miss Maroney, judging is for God and his angels … so yes, you are.” — Kenneth
Big Bang Theory (More Quotes)
“So I got the craziest email this morning.” – Howard
“I hate to burst your bubble dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.” – Raj
“Believe me, I know.” – Howard
“Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?” – Leonard
“Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.” – Raj
“This is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette. I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time. I was wrong, and really wrong.” – Howard
“Sheldon doesn’t know when he’s being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.” – Bernadette
Happy Endings (Review)
“Do you guys realize that their Brangelina name is gonna be Derrick? Wait, wait, wait. It could also be Eric. Whoa, did we smoke weed?” — Alex
“I haven’t seen anything that choreographed than Colin Powell’s U.N. testimony on WMD’s.” — Jane
“Are you really cleaning under the couch or are you just waiting to slide out with an outdated zinger?” — Max
“I haven’t seen anything that unnecessarily complicated since the third season of Lost. Am I right?” — Jane
“Asking ‘am I right’ is not going to make it funnier.” — Max
“Quiet Jane is the scariest Jane.” — Penny
“The world’s most dangerous Jane.” — Alex
“You guys were one of my top three favorite Chicago-based all-male Madonna cover bands, right up there with Macdonald and Material Earl.” — Alex
“That part of my life is over. I hung up my cone bra and headset a long time ago. Though I will always love Sean Penn no matter how creepy and thin his mustache gets. He looks like a Hulked-out, ‘roided-up John Waters.” — Max
“Ugh, you hear them trying to push their liberal lunch agenda on me? Elitists. Eating three meals a day as opposed to one day-long super meal? That’s disgusting.” — Max
“What am I going to do now? It’s like for the first time in my life I don’t know what’s going to happen next.” — Brad
“None of us do. I mean, that’s kinda the beauty of it. Look at me. Two hours ago I wasn’t even in this wedding and now I run this bitch. And one of these days, you are going to run whatever bitch you want to run.” — Jane
New Girl (Review)
“Do not drink my almond milk when you’ve spent all night drinking Schmidt!” — Jess to Cece
“I am so sorry you had to hear about it like this, but can we take a minute to celebrate me? It’s like I’m having Indian every night!” — Schmidt gloating over his relationship with Cece
“Is he huge? Wait … let me rephrase that: Is he huge?” — Winston querying Cece on Schmidt’s “junk”
“I can’t live in a ‘house of lies’ anymore! [sees Nick and Schmidt in bed together] Is this happening, too … ?!??!” — Jess ruminating on the revelation Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together
“In the restaurant of life, you’ve chosen the tasting menu …” — Schmidt to Nick regarding his many recent college girl encounters
“You’ve all thought about me while self-completing … ?!??!!!?” — Jess, exasperated, asking the guys if they’ve thought about her … while self-completing
“Cece started it.” — Schmidt pointing the finger at Cece about who initiated jiggy-ness
“Why Cece?!? Are you trying to get back at your parents?” — Winston to Cece
“Are you being held against your will?” — Winston trying to coax a plausible reason out of Cece why she’s sleeping with Schmidt
Top Gear
“I left the state to punish you with this.” — Rutledge Wood giving Tanner Foust the keys to a Yugo
“I’ll probably be on fire and not be able to tell.” — Tanner Foust on his Yugo
“I don’t think either of you have the fear that I do, which is rolling this piece of sh*t over.” — Rutledge Wood about his Aztek
“The Yugo is very rare and very exotic.” — Tanner Foust
“So is typhoid.” — Adam Ferrara
House (Review)
“Good news — based on her thrifty shopping habits and taste for artificial dairy, she’s clearly not a gold-digger. Bad news — based on his rhinotillexomania, he is. Compulsive addiction to nose-picking.” — Wilson, to clinic couple
“Adjectives matter. Hate nurses, love naughty nurses.” – House
Bones (Review)
“These are the species ailanthus altissima. It originated in China, where it’s called ‘Tree of Heaven,’ and here we find it blocking a sewer pipe. There’s a joke in there somewhere, if anyone wants to knock it loose.” – Hodgins
“I’ll pass.” – Cam
“Look, I’m thinking that maybe you have some of that heavy-duty, in case of emergency shrink-stuff that you could throw out here? Look I’m desperate!” – Bones, asking Sweets for help
“Booth is pressuring me to have the baby in a hospital.” – Bones
“Well, that is not his decision.” – Angela
“Booth says that he’s worried about complications, but I’m healthy. And I don’t mean to be boastful, but mucosal plug is superb.” – Bones
“Alright, girl’s got good plug.” – Angela
“[Walking in] And now we all know.” – Cam
“Do you think I overstepped my bounds in becoming a doula?” – Daisy
“Yes.” – Hodgins
“No, really.” – Daisy
“Yes, really.” – Hodgins
“But it was so nice of me?” – Daisy
“More creepy than nice.” – Hodgins
“You’re joking.” – Daisy
“Wish I was.” – Hodgins
Castle (Review)
“I feel I just walked into a bad episode of Miami Vice.” – Beckett
“First: there are no bad episodes of Miami Vice, and second: who died?” – Castle
“Hey Lanie, how does it look? [Asking about the victim].” – Beckett
“Like you waited too long [Talking about Castle].” – Lanie
“Where’s Castle?” – Lanie
“He took off for a lunch date.” – Beckett
“In a Ferrari full of flight attendant?” – Lanie
“He’s probably trying to rack up his frequent flyer miles.” – Beckett
“Ryan, you’ll be here, front door dressed as a flower delivery boy. Esposito, you’ll be here, dressed as a hobo.” – Castle
“Question? Why does the brown man gotta be the hobo?” – Esposito
“You want the flowers?” – Castle
“Hobo it is.” – Esposito
Bob’s Burgers (Review)
“All right … uh … who needs a piece of cake? Who wants a piece?” — Kevin’s Mom
“We do!” – Louise
“Cake, please!” – Gene
“Thanks, ‘That Kid’s Mom’!” — Tina
“Uhm … how do you know Kevin again?” — Kevin’s Mom
“Soccer.” – Tina
“Church.” — Louise
“Desert Storm.” — Gene
“Please tell me they shoot webs!” — Gene commenting on Bob’s wrist braces
“Are we finally getting a falcon?” — Louise commenting on Bob’s wrist braces
“I think they’re flattering … like wrist corsets …” — Tina commenting on Bob’s wrist braces
“Hey kid … back off. I feel you breathing on my hip.” — Bob
“I’m going to stow away in a rope bin and fight a rat over a block of cheese!” — Gene
“He had sex and we happened! Deal with it!” — Louise referring to Bob while telling off the yacht club doorman
Clacked by Ivey West 
on Apr 08, 2012 @ 10:00 EST5EDT
