Quotation Marks – Cougar Town, 30 Rock and Community

Welcome to the weekly post where the writers of CliqueClack share our favorite quotes from — or about — television this past week. In this installment, we’ve got some great stuff from Cougar Town, Community and Modern Family.

Cougar Town

“… With all that eyeliner, God forbid she start crying — she’ll look like Alice Cooper.” — Ellie’s mom, talking trash about Jules
“Who’s Alice Cooper? Is she pretty?” — Jules, hiding from Ellie’s mom, crying with mascara dripping down her face

“Grayson is a self-centered pretty boy with a bastard child and eyes so tiny you could blindfold him with a bead necklace.” – Jules, trying to say something mean about Grayson

CBS Sunday Morning

“The last 10 miraculous years gave Levon a sort of extended victory lap. Fans got to tell him how much they loved him, musicians lined up to honor him and Levon made 3 new albums, each of which won the Grammy Award. It was as if heaven decided to give Levon an extra decade just so we could all hear his songs one more time, just to give Levon and the people who loved him a proper chance to say goodbye. In the whole history of rock ‘n’ roll, no one ever had a greater encore than Levon Helm.” — Bill Flanagan 

“We haven’t changed … we couldn’t. Our families wouldn’t let us, first of all, you know? Our brothers would make fun of us relentlessly if we tried to even act like rocks stars. My grandma would call me and ask me why I was being an idiot …” — Dan Auerbach of The Black Keys

New Girl (Review)

“You’re using birth control, right?” — Jess
“Yeah … of course. It’s just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes, like, one of those plastic BBQ covers in a hurricane …” — Cece
“I didn’t want to know that …” — Jess

“Congratulations. You’re dating a girl with basic table manners. You win. Why don’t you get on her health care plan?” — Jess to Nick about his girlfriend Chloe (Chloe Bridges)

“We could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands.” — Schmidt to Cece as he mentions he needs to do research so that he doesn’t accidentally impregnate the baby

“Bye, Ooly. You rulie.” — Jess to Ooly
“Bye Jess. You’re a mess.” – Ooly

30 Rock (Review)

“It is unfortunate. The design forces the sitter into what Israeli military interrogators call a stress position.” — Jack, on the new Kabletown couches

“You look like a substitute teacher who just got her one year AA chip.” — Jack, to Liz

“Well, it’s hard to force a nickname. I tried to get my high school tennis team to call me Ace, but they wanted to call me Shorts Accident … so, we settled on Super Virgin.” – Liz

Modern Family (Review)

“Dad, why are you acting like this?  Is this about Walt dying?” — Alex
“No, it’s about what he didn’t do when he was alive: have a special bond with his daughter.  I don’t want to be that kind of dad.  I want to be Eugene Cernan.” — Phil
“Who’s Eugene Cernan?” — Alex
“Apollo 17 astronaut.  Last man on the moon.  Coolest dad of all time.  When he was leaving the moon, he reached down and wrote his daughter’s initials into the lunar surface.  Since there’s no atmosphere…” — Phil
“They’ll be there forever.  Wow, so every time she looks in the sky she’ll know there’s a message just for her.” — Alex
“Exactly.  That’s why dads everywhere hate Eugene Cernan.” — Phil

“I think we should break it to him slowly.  First we’d say, ‘Luke, your friend Walt has a cold.  You shouldn’t go over there.’ Next day: ‘Bad news.  Walt’s in the hospital but he’s still crackin’ jokes with the nurses.’  Next day: ‘They’re trying an experimental drug.  Fingers crossed.’ Next day: ‘His body rebelled.  He’s in a coma.’  Next day he rallies.  Next day: coma.  Next day: coma.  Next day: coma.  Next day: eye flutter.” — Phil

“It happened yesterday.  He finished writing an angry letter to the Post Master General and he just fell asleep.  It was very peaceful.  Not the letter, that was full of threats.” — Phil

“That is so sweet and so sad.  Wow, he’s so much more sensitive than I ever thought.  They had a special bond.  I wouldn’t be surprised if one day he wrote a book like Tuesdays with Morrie.” — Claire
“I never read it.  Did that guy steal Morrie’s TV?” — Phil

“I’ll tell you why I don’t like that guy and I could never say this to Mitch.  He treats my son like the wife in the relationship.  Always has.” — Jay (about Cam’s dad)

“You can’t expect me to see a sign that says ‘World’s Greatest Milkshake: 50 Miles’ and not drive to it.” — Phil

“That’s so funny.  What did your dad not like about my dad?” — Mitch
“Oh, well you know Jay.  He’s a teddy bear but sometimes he can kinda come off as a tough guy.” — Cam
“Yeah, that’s true.” — Mitch
“As an actual tough guy, you can kinda see how that would rub my dad the wrong way.” — Cam
“Huh, I could see that, but you know, my dad’s actually pretty tough himself, so.” — Mitch
“Oh yeah, city tough.  You know, not farm tough.” — Cam
“Uh-huh.  You mean cities where there are gangs, as opposed to farms where there are ducks.” – Mitch

Vampire Diaries (Review)

“Why don’t you let people see the good in you?” — Elena
“When people see good, they expect good and I don’t want to live up to anyone’s expectations.” – Damon

“Alright Whoopie, what do you need? Candles, incense, pottery wheel?” — Damon to Jeremy, trying to get Rose’s ghost to talk

 Community

“I saw Abed’s name in the hospital school files! I love butt stuff! I hate spiders! I stole a pen from the bank! I cried during About a Boy … the soundtrack! I don’t wash my hands before surgery! I can see why women find Clive Owen attractive to the point where I might just as well be attracted to him! I use comparisons to Hitler to win arguments on the internet at the drop of a hat! I know nothing about wine! I’m more turned on by women in pajama than lingerie! … I just wanna know they feel comfortable! I didn’t get Inception! I didn’t get Inception! … Just so many layers!” — Dreamatorium Troy under the truth serum

“Careful now, you’re starting to sound like Abed.” — Dreamatorium Annie
“… So I probably shouldn’t say things like Star Wars! Zardoz! Cougar Town! Cool cool cool! Pop culture, pop culture! I’m on a TV show!” – Annie

How I Met Your Mother (Review)

“What the hell are you doing?” – Lily
“Nothing. Did you have you have to pee?” – Marshall
“No … but yeah, I do have to pee. Man this kid better be real fricking cute!” – Lily

“I’m in a band … and we’re gonna make it.” – Security Guard
“And kids, they did make it, but I’ll get to that later … you know what, I’m probably not going to get to that later. They had one song, it didn’t suck. The end.” – Future Ted

“Guys, I was sitting at home last night and all of a sudden, I had an epiphany. And my piphany was this….” – Barney
“Actually its AH—piphany.” – Ted
“No, Ted. This is the—piphany, and here it is: Make Every Night Piphany.” – Barney

Castle (Review)

“If you’re gonna hang with me, we’re gonna lay out some ground rules. Rule Number One: Do not use the word awesome; you’re a grown man. Rule Number Two: Stay out of my way.” – Det. Slaughter

Bones (Review)

“Bones, what’s the matter? You’re never like this.” – Booth
“You don’t think I should care about how I look?” – Brennan
“Right. I get it. You’re an airplane propeller and I’m about to walk into you so I’m going to take a step back.” – Booth

“Something else going on?” – Sweets
“No, nothing else is going on. I have everything under control.” – Booth
“If nothing is going on, what do you have under control?” – Sweets

“Oh, Arastoo … congratulations!” – Angela
“[To Hodgins] you weren’t supposed to tell anyone.” – Arastoo
“I didn’t. [Everyone glances at each other] Well, she’s my wife so that doesn’t count.” – Hodgins
“Where is that written?” – Arastoo
“It’s common knowledge.” – Angela

“Oh, OK. Thank you.” – Arastoo
“[Referring to Brennan’s … attributes] Are we talking apples or melons?” – Sales lady
“Mangos.” – Sweets
“You looking at her fruit?” – Booth
“I … am … a doctor? Just accept the help.” – Sweets

“Oh, it is not a good time unless you know your way around a Brazilian Blowout. We are seriously understaffed right now.” – Tabitha
“I’m sure Booth could help; his father was a barber.” – Brennan
“Right, if she [indicates a stylist working] doesn’t learn how to properly layer, you’re going to lose a lot of business. [Everyone looks at him weird] Where’s Kevin?” – Booth

“I got word that the journal isn’t going to publish my paper.” – Arastoo
“Is that all?” – Brennan
“It got pulled in favor of a puff piece about Selena Gomez on a fossil hunt.” – Arastoo
“I am not familiar with Dr. Gomez’s work but I look forward to reading about it.” – Brennan